Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
