just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
