next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
