it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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