atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
