I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
