well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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