she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
