You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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