You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
