I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
