Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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