my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
