I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
