look no pants
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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