I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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