Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
