He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
