Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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