she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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