I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
