yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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