I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
