I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That's how pantless uber rides happen
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
