i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
