the day after is always just damage control
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We need a shit load of segways right now
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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