I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
