I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
