Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
