I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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