Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
