I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
