OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
