College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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