There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
