you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
