I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
