I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
