Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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