Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No stitches, just platelets and will power
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
