So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
