The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
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It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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