i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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