his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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