It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
