It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
