my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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