i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
