I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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