I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
