When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
