so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
