so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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