1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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