seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
