You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
