remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
