I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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